Confession.

Disclaimer: My POV only.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the man who made fun of my feelings. To the man who took advantage of my weakness. To the man who made me wait for nothing. To the man who didn’t even love me as much as i did. To the man who i had an unrequited love with. Who made it look like there was nothing between us. Who thought i had too much braveness inside me to endure this situation. Who made me realize that there is a negative side on being strong. Who let me hear such sweet flowery words. Who made me feel beautiful for a atleast short period of time. Who made me feel like someone loves me the way i love them and to the man who made me realize that believing and having faith in him is ALL WRONG. 

Everything i felt was wrong. Because now i know that he is like that to everyone. Not just me. And now i realize that he was just waiting for someone to catch his bait. And someone did. To that someone, i must say, good luck. Good luck in maintaining what you two have. I really wish you the best. No sarcasm intended.

I’m not angry or anything. At 1st, yes, i was. But i just don’t want it to ruin everything in me. Because in the first place, i knew something was off. But still i took the risk. Because why not, right? It may be worth taking that risk. And the risk is now here. And that means it was not worth it. But yeah, thank you for making me feel this. This feeling i had been avoiding for almost 4 years. I should’ve followed my instinct. But i did not. I’ve taken care of myself for 4 years. Making myself avoid of a situation like this. But i was not good enough. Maybe somehow i should be reminded of the feeling. But i won’t dwell on this like the old time. I’m a lady now.

So thank you for reminding me how i really hate having this kind of feeling. 

I don’t know.

Confusing yet you want it.

The feeling you get when you thought you had a chance but the truth is you really don`t know if there is.

You can’t tell if its a game and he’s just playing or its a game and he wanna win.

Something tells you that its something serious but something tells that its not.

Sometimes you feel that it’s sincere, but sometimes you feel like it is just a trick.

Some of his habbits will make you say “No”. But most of what you see and how  he makes you feel makes you say “Yes”.

But every doubt disappears when you look at him.

His eyes.

His eyes that makes you believe and want to believe that everything’s dear.

His smile.

His smile that melts every inch of you.

His flaws.

His flaws that makes him even more perfect for you. And also cuter which brings you laughter.

His attitude.

His (not so nice) attitude. But will make you feel he’s trustworthy.

His presence.

His presence that makes you feel you’re not alone.

His affection.

His affection that makes you feel loved.

And all of him.

Him who makes you wanna believe every lie that comes out of his mouth.

Him who makes you feel good but so bad for you.

Why do you choose to believe lies? Why do you keep on holding on something with minimal assurance? Why do you continue even if you know that it will end up in a terrifying way?

It’s because you deserve happiness.

That you don’t care of the ending anymore because you’re happy at the moment.

Thinking of how it could end makes me feel sick. Makes me feel unwell.

Sigh…..

Lately, i have this feeling that im badly needing this SOMEONE.

Someone who could give joy and happiness to my stressed and lonely heart.

Someone who would be there when i need him to.

Someone who can and willing to understand me.

Someone i could be with.

Someone who could be my inspiration everyday.

Someone who can lighten up my mood.

Someone who can turn my dark gray nights into blue.

And lately, there’s this Man who i thought might be that someone.

But that someone cannot be the MAN.

Cause he already have his ONLY ONE.

And that i cannot be his SOMEONE.

I’ve been wanting to find him. But they say that i should let him find me.

Cause you don’t seek true happiness. It will eventually find you.

And if it found you, you will feel it by heart and soul.

I am hoping that this SOMEONE who could bring happiness will eventually find me SOON.

What Ifs.

What could have been?

If you saw the things right through the walls I built?

If we had let go of the things we keep?

If we keep the fire burning?

If we sought for the answers to our questions?

If we let go of the anchor that keeps us from being free?

If we spoil out the things we hide?

If we let the grenade explode?

If we let the feelings show?

If we let the feelings grow?

 

It could have been the best.

But now it’s the worst.

We didn’t.

We left it on “What if?” , “What could have been?”, and “What should have been?”

 

I wish someone would take away my memory of you.

 

Well, it’s not your fault.

You didn’t know.

I didn’t let you know.

Sigh.

Disconnection.

It’s sad to realize

that the person you used to know……..

Suddenly disappeared.

It’s just, it’s crazy.

Because one day, you just knew…..

That you are left alone.

Without prior notice that he will leave.

Not just leave, but also have no plan on coming back.

The one you used to know.

The one he used to be.

The one you used to hold on to.

The one who used to help you.

The one you’re always with.

The one you LOVE.

 

Stop holding on.

Because the one you love, is not the one he used to be.

Maybe it’s time to move on.

Maybe he’s not coming back home.

 

Don’t wait for him.

Cause waiting for him means you’re expecting him to return.

And expecting him to return means hurting yourself.

And that you shouldn’t do.

 

Disconnect him from you MIND and HEART.

Cause disconnecting form the memories of him means having freedom.

And having freedom means happiness.

And being happy means contentment.